When getting what you want still feels like grief.

Let’s talk about perinatal mental health for a sec. And about the grief of getting what you want.

After my first son was born, I didn’t know who I was outside of being his mama for a long time - like almost his first whole year of life. It took a lot of tears and anger and feeling like a lost and wandering dirty mess before I realized that trying to do self-care the way I did before he was born just wasn’t feasible. There was a little respite sometime around his first birthday and then... I got pregnant again. Trying to do self-care with a toddler and pregnant? Is that a joke? What does that even mean or look like? More often than not it meant laying on the couch while he played around me because I was too sick to even move. Super fun. Super self-care ish. 

There was grief here. I had what I wanted, I was a mama. And I was no longer the person I was before. I had to mourn that but it felt so taboo and not allowed - how dare I show any emotion other than elation? Especially after it took so long for my first boy to be here. Especially after we were able to get pregnant on the first try the next time around. How dare I have any thoughts other than bliss... and yet... 

My mental health was not great. Who even WAS I?! It took a while to even find the words to express how I felt. And when I finally did it seemed I wasn’t actually allowed to feel that way. Nobody really wanted to hear it. There was a lot of "Well at least you have your babies," or "Motherhood means totally giving up your own wants and needs." (Spoiler alert - I DO NOT BUY IT! NOPE!) 

So… I stopped waiting until I had the “perfect time” and a whole hour and the house was clean and both kids were asleep (lol) etc etc etc…. And I just got on the floor and the who-knows-what-covered living room rug and moved my body. Just a little bit. Just a moment. Just a breath. 

I stopped worrying about what the toddler or the baby needed for distraction or trying to entertain them while I stretched and breathed because what I learned very quickly (when I actually finally just did it) is that when I settled myself, they both were settled. When I play, they play. When I get to the floor, they climb on my legs and my head and want to explore my body and be a part of what I’m doing. They are curious and joyful and at ease and so too can I be. 

The thing is, your bodily autonomy and your alone time are SO IMPORTANT and…. Sometimes it’s just not going to happen even though you desperately need it. So in those moments, don’t wait. Get on the floor and take care of your body and mind and heart and soul.

You so deserve it, mama. I love you. I see you. I hear you. You matter.